The Craft Hot Sauce You Are, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Hot sauce has entered its craft era. No, literally — the global phenomenon of artisanally crafted, all-natural hot sauces is what experts distinguish as the third of three distinct eras for hot sauce. With a focus on natural processes, experimental flavor profiles, and the multi-purposefulness of chilies, the third wave of hot sauce takes a simple condiment and turns it into something completely unique. So much so that shopping for hot sauce is no longer as easy as grabbing a bottle of Tobasco or Louisiana Red and calling it a day. That is unless you want it to be.
Enjoy your mass-produced, grocery-store hot sauce. The rest of us will be walking through the Sunday farmers market, taste-testing samples from the local hot sauce guy. The recognition of unique flavors makes each craft hot sauce an experience in itself, one that inspires new pairings and generates new cravings. With one bottle of craft hot sauce, everything in your kitchen feels new and exciting. But, the best part is that, with the range of flavors and heat, your hot sauce can be perfectly tailored to you — and your zodiac.
Aries
First up on the zodiac calendar — and, if they had it their way, everywhere else — is the Aries. These fire signs are known for being hot-headed and competitive. That isn't to say they aren't lovely people to be around, they're just not people you want to compete against. When it comes to craft hot sauce, however, the only person who'd have to worry about that is Sean Evans, host of the hit YouTube series Hot Ones. On it, contestants sit face to face with Evans, who hits them with interview questions as they make their way through a lineup of wings dipped and coated into some of the hottest hot sauces on the planet.
Now, if the Aries were any craft hot sauce, they'd be one that also served as a marker that they won something — and on Hot Ones, that'd be what they call The Last Dab: Apollo. Made by the Guinness World Recorder holding chili breeder, Ed Currie of Puckerbutt Pepper Co, The Last Dab: Apollo is the final sauce in the show's lineup, and no guest completes the challenge without taking a dab of it. That's really all you need. It's the only hot sauce in the world made with the apollo pepper, and with a heat profile that's been compared to "having your head slowly lit aflame," the experience is reminiscent of these hot-headed signs. Plus, they get to feel like a winner, which all the Aries really want at the end of the day.
Taurus
Loyal, steadfast, reliable, consistent, devoted, and trustworthy — those are all words that accurately portray the Taurus. Although, most would just call them "chill." It's true, that these signs are perpetually unbothered, it's enviable for some of us who struggle with overthinking and anxiety. But it's also what makes them such grounding, and calming people to be around. In light of that, these signs wouldn't be any hot sauce that made you sweat — because truthfully, these signs don't sweat anything. They'd be something more on the mild end of the spectrum, something like Fiji Fire — a craft hot sauce made in Fiji and sourced from ingredients from the island.
Fresh turmeric and Filian bongo chilies come together in this hot sauce to make something mild. But that only makes it all the more representative of the signs, who somehow manage to remain calm in the most stressful of situations. Being Earth signs, It's also fitting that the brand supports local Fijian farmers by sticking to ingredients grown directly on the island. From the chilies to the turmeric, and the sea salt to the sweet carrots, everything that goes into this sauce was raised in a serene, tropical environment — which is where these signs are mentally, every day.
Gemini
There's a lot more to Geminis than people think, but, unfortunately, these signs' reputations proceed them. Represented by twins — which is also symbolized by two masks — Geminis are all too often written off for being two-faced. Whether that's true or not is up for debate. But, the sheer fact these signs have become so villanized both in and out of the zodiac community is the reason why, if the Gemini were any craft hot sauce in particular, they'd be one that plays the bad guy, too. Otherwise known as Villain Hot Sauce Co., both Geminis and their craft hot sauce are two things you shouldn't judge. In the end, you'll be the one who is missing out.
Featured as one of the unusual hot sauce brands that you must try, Villain Hot Sauce Co is made for people who — like the brand's founder and owner — are all too often disappointed by the heat-to-flavor ratio of other hot sauces. With eight sauces in its lineup, ranging from mild to truly sinister, one thing you don't have to worry about with Villain hot sauce is sacrificing heat for flavor — or vice versa. Still, if the Gemini were any one of the eight in particular, they'd be what the brand calls Bad Guy Hot Sauce. Made from a blend of four different hot peppers and tropical fruits, this sauce is bad. But, like the Gemini, it's not apologetic about it.
Cancer
Out of all the zodiacs on the astrological calendar, Cancers are known for being homebodies. It makes sense, considering they're represented by crabs, they're most comfortable when they're inside of their shells. It goes deeper than that, however. The thing is that these signs are so sensitive and empathetic that their environments can dramatically impact their moods. So, instead of venturing out into the unknown, they prefer to stay in the comforts of their own home — where they can determine who they let in and out. Home is where the heart is, after all. As is a home-cooked meal, and while a craft hot sauce may not be that, it can be just as comforting. That is if you add it to some comfort food.
There are a lot of comfort foods out there — but nothing is as good as good old Southern cooking. And what type of hot sauce goes on that? A Louisiana-style hot sauce, of course. But, rather than being the original, Louisiana brand hot sauce, the craft hot sauce a Cancer would be would have to put its own spin on it. That makes them none other than Poirier's Louisiana-style hot sauce. Made in collaboration with Heartbeat Hot Sauce by UFC fighter Dustin Poirier, Poirier's Louisiana-style hot sauce is an ode to his Louisiana roots. Made with fermented cayenne chilies and vinegar, this sauce will go great on your biscuits and gravy.
Leo
Leos stand out among the zodiacs because of their big personalities — although many have accused them of seeking out the attention. Born in the summertime and associated with the sun, Leos do have a tendency to think the world revolves around them. Even so, there's something irresistible about them. It could be their confidence or their passion, but what most people would say is that it's their sheer love for life. These signs strive to live every day like it's their last — which makes them the people you want to be around whenever you're looking to have a good time but in the summertime especially.
If you ask me, nothing says prime summertime like fresh strawberries — and no craft hot sauce uses them quite like Sun Fire Hot Sauce. The brand's Kiwi Strawberry sauce is basically summer in a bottle — and while it might sound sweet, it doesn't lack any of the SoCal heat, either. All of Sun Fire's hot sauces utilize the abundant fresh local produce that's available to them in sunny California, but this one's extra special because it uses one that's particularly special to their home state: Strawberries. California is the U.S. State that produces the most strawberries, and every spring and summer, people venture out to the farms to pick their very own. Those are the same strawberries that end up in Sun Fire's bottles, giving it that Leo, star-like quality.
Virgo
Virgos are known for being perfectionists, and, for better or for worse, it's true. But they're also simultaneously the most productive of all the zodiac signs. No one quite knows how, but it can likely be credited to their love for order. If it includes a clear set of step-by-step instructions or a to-do list, you can count Virgos in. It's this set of thinking, however, that also makes these signs health-conscious individuals with healthy habits. Obviously, that would extend to their hot sauce. So, if the Virgo were any craft hot sauce out there, it'd be one that uses a little-known process called fermentation.
Fermented hot sauces taste different than ones made with vinegar, adding a dimension of complex flavors and a natural tanginess. But, it also happens to lend a good amount of probiotics to the mix, AKA the friendly microbes that are known to support gut health. While the process of soaking the mashed chilies in a brine does involve some extra steps, that only makes fermented hot sauce all the more fun to these signs. Of course, that makes the Virgo's craft hot sauce a product of none other than Poor Devil Pepper Co — but the Green Widow, to be specific.
Considering their commitment to living healthy lifestyles, Virgos know to eat their greens. The Green Widow allows them to do so in the form of jalapeños, and it's just one example of Poor Devil Pepper's specialized approach to fermented hot sauces.
Libra
Libras are represented by the scale because they're obsessed with balance. While they're known to be the aesthetes of the zodiac and make talented designers and decorators, it's something that Libras seek to achieve in every aspect of their lives — but especially in their relationships. Libras thrive in companionship, which is why, if they were any craft hot sauce, they'd be one that represented two people coming together as one. In turn, that means the Libra could only be a sauce from California Hot Sauce Solutions.
California Hot Sauce Solutions is a craft hot sauce company cofounded by Tim Paulman and Jason Robey. The two decided to come together to combine their own, separate hot sauce lines — Paulman Acre and J's Small Batch Hot Sauce — into one in 2018. Just like the Libra, these two understood that sometimes, two things are better as one. Still, if the Libra had to be any one of their sauces in particular, they'd be The O.G. — the chile de árbol sauce that started it all.
Scorpio
Scorpios are another sign that don't get a great rep. These signs are known for being mysterious, which means very few people ever get the opportunity to truly know them. But, it also doesn't help that some of the biggest cult leaders in history are Scorpios. Swami Premananda and Charles Manson are the most prominent examples, and the two show their sign's desire for power and control to the most extreme degree. It's not great, nor is it demonstrative of these signs and their totality. However, it does mean that, if these signs were any craft hot sauce out there, they'd be Unicorn Blood.
Unicorn Blood — the name itself eludes to cultish ceremonies or something Voldemort drank while living in the Forbidden Forest. But, in this case, it's just a craft hot sauce — and a really good one at that. With familiar flavors of smoky chipotle sauce, combined with the citrusy taste of bright oranges, much like the Scorpio, Unicorn Blood is hardly as intimidating as it might seem. In fact, its heat level is more in the mild to medium range. So as long as you proceed with caution, you should be fine.
Sagittarius
Ever heard of "golden retriever energy"? It's used to describe someone who is high-energy, fun, and an all-around positive person to be around — someone like the Sagittarius. These signs have an optimistic attitude that can be infectious and refreshing. Free-spirited and adaptable, the Sagittarius is known to embrace the unexpected moments in life, good or bad. However, considering they're also one of the luckiest signs in the zodiac, they're more often than not good. Additionally, these signs also aren't ones to hold their tongues, literally or figuratively, which all goes to say that if there were any craft hot sauce on the market that the Sagittarius would be, it'd be one known as the Lucky Dog.
Lucky Dog is one of the hot sauces Tasting Table featured in its list of 13 unusual hot sauce brands that you must try — and for good reason. Named after the owner's dog, this brand has cleverly nicknamed itself "food's best friend," and each sauce in their lineup is made with all-natural, locally sourced ingredients. But, if the Sagittarius were any one of the sauces in particular, they'd be the one they call the Year of the Dog. Like all of Lucky Dog's sauce, the Year of the Dog features a complex blend of flavor profiles — balancing notes of fruity pineapple and savory garlic, toasted sesame, tangy Chinese mustard, and spicy Aleppo peppers and sweet honey to create a sauce that's as adaptable in your kitchen as these signs are in life.
Capricorn
Goal-driven, resilient, and determined, Capricorns inhabit the perfect combination of characteristics that would make a person a "workaholic" — so it's really no surprise that, of all the zodiacs on the astrological calendar, that's what they're known as. Coincidentally, they're also represented by the mountain goat and associated with the knees, which only makes it more clear that these signs were born to climb. In the working world, these signs are the bosses. But, rather than being a hot sauce called something along the lines of "the sauce boss," they'd be one that represents their dedication to success. That's why they'd be Yellowbird.
Today, Yellowbird hot sauces are found as commonly as in Whole Foods Market — but the brand has a real "started from the bottom" story. Beginning in a backyard garden, and eventually graduating to the farmer's market after scoring a silver medal from a Texas-based hot sauce competition, Yellowbird ships its hot sauces to stores and doorsteps all across the country. While it has an impressive lineup of sauces (the brand's sriracha has proved to be a satisfying alternative since the original Huy Gong changed the peppers it uses), the Yellowbird sauce this sign would be is the one that started it all: The Habanero Sauce.
Made from a blend of carrots, juicy citrus fruit, and spicy habanero pepper, Yellowbird's Habanero Sauce has been a part of the brand since the very beginning. From a Texas garden to Whole Foods, this sauce continues to win over taste buds.
Aquarius
Despite being the humanitarians of the zodiac, there is one thing that Aquariuses value more than philanthropy — and that's their individuality. How else are they able to rid themselves of any internal biases? Or be able to relate to those within society who, let's face it, aren't always given a voice? From their opinions to their fashion sense, Aquariuses make it a point to stand out from the pack. So, why should their hot sauce be any different? That's why, if the Aquarius were any craft hot sauce out there, they'd be Queso sin Queso. The name itself is oxymoron enough to intrigue these signs, but it's what it's made of that makes it different than anything else out there. It's literally queso, without the queso.
Now, it's no secret that vegan cheese doesn't have the greatest reputation — it's been ousted by many. But, these signs can get behind it for that reason alone. All of the social and environmental benefits are only a plus. But how does it do it? Queso sin Queso mimics the umami goodness of queso with the help of a little ingredient known as nutritional yeast and blends it with roasted, red Habanero peppers and dried ghost pepper for a spicy hit. Placed about halfway down the line up on Hot Ones, the hot peppers in this sauce make themselves known in this recipe just like an Aquarius does, well, anywhere. Pick it up whenever you want to surprise someone with something completely unexpected.
Pisces
As the final sign of the zodiac, it is often said that Pisces inherits all of the wisdom and life lessons of the signs that come before it. In turn, these signs are incredibly intuitive, compassionate, and empathetic — but, more than anything, they're imaginative. These signs live in a perpetual state of dreaminess, and while it does lend them a hand creatively, they can struggle to remain present in reality. It's why they're represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions. So, considering pretty much every craft hot sauce is creative, it only makes sense that if these fish were anyone on the market in particular, it'd be a hot sauce that included something oceanic. That's why they'd be Barnacle Food's Bullwhip Kelp Hot Sauce.
Based in Alaska, Barnacle Foods specializes in turning bull kelp into food. From kelp pickles to kelp chili crisp, Barnacle Foods farms and forages wild Alaskan bull kelp and uses its deeply savory, umami flavors to create nutritious, delicious, and sustainable foods — their Bullwhip Kelp Hot Sauce is just one example, but it is a darn good one at that. The umami, ocean-like flavor of the kelp is paired with peri-peri peppers. While there is a good amount of heat that comes through in this sauce, the flavor comes first. The taste of the bullwhip kelp shines through this hot sauce in the best way possible. Top it on your sushi, or dip your chips into it — just like the Pisces, anything goes.